So today a friend and I have decided to beat Interplay's Stone Keep. A firs-person RPG dungeon crawler, it was released in 1996 for DOS and met varying degrees of praise, with Gamespot condeming it as, "a dated first-person RPG that suffers from a poor interface, little depth, and few frills."
We shall see.
I was originally introduced to this 1990s PC gaming gem when my older brother bought it (or borrowed it indefinitely from a neighbor). I don't recall whether or not he beat it. Only that it terrified me at the time, with visions of a half naked ice queen haunting me in my sleep.
But for now, on to the Keep.
10:20 - Opening video is ridiculous looks like some kid come back to him cursed castle where his naked body is ripped from his soul...yet somehow he still has pants when you enter
10:25 - Been collecting skulls now for a while. Can't ever have too many skulls..."And the weather outside is skull."
10:30 - Unfortunately Drake keeps whining like poon cob when I try to heal him with this wheat looking stuff.
10:40: - Just busted into some guy Sharga's room. Told me to get out of his home, but I couldn't, soo I killed him. I'm now plus one sword.
10:43 - More little green children running around. Three ambushed me at another door. I can hear more off in the distance. I best be getting some spells real soon.
10:57 - Keep getting gangbanged by these stupid insects. Meanwhile, if another green child throws a skull at me I will end them. Seriously, used up all my healing items. This game is merciless.
11:02 - The Insects are adapting - Crazy noises in the background constantly with monsters always sneaking up on me. No wonder this game scared the shit out of me.
11:13 - Friend has now died three times without saving...constant cursing. Slight set back.
11:54: Completely lost on the first level of castle....running out of health...no way a ten year old was beating this load
12:00 - StoneKeep Logic Rule #1: Getting hit with a stone hurts more than being stabbed by a sword...Awesome.
12:01 - Died....New Castle Brown Ale is now a necessity
12:31 - Found some sort of pink Kool-Aid fountain that heals you, will probably be running back to that location a half a million times...Still helplessly lost but enjoy the opening segment here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Hb73IEv2CQ
Hilarious...
12:33 - Just discovered you can mark your map and write comments about it. Just marked a hallway as "Stop throwing skulls at me douchebag"...slowing slipping away
12:42 - THIS GAME IS BANANAS. Can't kill these two goblins, looked up this ridiculousness on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWad66DqsUg&feature=related. Little taste of what were dealing with here.
1:15 - The great Wahooka is taking all my gems and offering me shitting hints. I'm pretty sure all he says is lies. Fortunately monsters can't cross through doorways, but I can still throw axes through it at them. Viva my little tomahawk.
1:23 - One of the green guys has a Brooklyn accent. I don't think he's from around these parts.
1:52 - Killing these serpents left and right with the tomahawk through the door trick. Have no idea how else you could beat this game.
1: 55 - Got this awesome bag for carrying rocks a while ago. Still haven't figured out how to get them back out.
1: 59 - Serpents have figured out the tomahawk trick...if I only I could get this god damn bag of rocks open.
2:17 - Fuckin dwarf stormed into a room I was in, thought he was gona kill me, but apparently he's gona travel with me..."a debt to pay, and pay it I shall..." ...I will now keeping one eye on the dwarf at all times.
2:24 - Everything just got ten times easier with this guy...rock, paper, dwarf you little green bastards.
2:38 - Just made it into the sewer. Still throwing junk at everything I see. At this rate it's looking like a long night ahead.
2:47 - Kermit was right when he said, "it's not easy being green." Apparently there's no worse color to be in the land of fun and fantasy. One of these days someone should write a story about an advanced civilization of orcs or goblins, and the primitive elves who rape and pillage them.
2:51 - Just lost a Tomahawk in the sewer water...SHiiiiiiiIIIIIIIT...literally.
3:01 - Finally found another pink kool-aid fountain to heal...back into the sewer GOD DAMNIT
3:20 - Found a huge tentacle in the water I guess I can't battle yet or the game will crash...the whole game has been bugging out more than a few times. Remember when covers of games made them look so much cooler and then you brought it home and were like wow thats a steaming pile of crap...
Cover:
3:35 - As obnoxious as the interface to the game accessing the map is the bloody worst. You have to flip through all the pages to get to it. 15% of the total time playing this game will likely be flipping pages to get to the map I need...
Map:Page 4...christ on a cracker:
3:50 - I fear our beer will run out before we even get halfway through this tragedy...
3:55 - Died from this anus monster with tentacles...probably the most terrifying low res video game creature of all time, I'm trying to find a picture.
4:40 - Anus monster finally defeated, after we gained some fire and healing magic and yet still took half an hour. All we got was some sort of stupid marble statute.
4:45 - quickly died after running into a room full of snakes after trying to figure out where to go...JESUS
5:56 - An hour and two cheese steaks later, losing patience with this game. What seemed like a fun idea has become a nightmare. Even the walkthroughs for this game are a mess. Disaster.
7:09 - Losing steam. Lost in the mines being chased around by two men in a single body suit trying to look like a two headed giant. Took me half an hour to find the mana circle with the guide.
7:14 - Setting up my runes. Just...setting up my runes...
7:28 - Tearing up with my fireball now. Green slimes and munchkin dudes alike don't stand a chance. Now if only the entire game weren't such a painful experience.
9:30 - Duel wanding it. Killed in a slime den. Done with this shit.
------------------------------------To be Continued--------------------------------------